Why am I Self-Sabotaging?

Hey Guys,

I really enjoy practicing self-care. Like taking a day at home to have a long shower, followed by a spot of pampering. In fact, as I type this post, I am sat in front of the tv in a dressing gown, following a "stay-at-home" day. My face is smothered in a coffee scrub face mask and my hair is wrapped up in a hot oil treatment. I gave myself a much-needed pedicure last night and had my best friend over to watch a girly film and eat Japanese food. You'd think that I'd feel on cloud nine after such a wonderful 24 hours...
But I don't, and I'm not sure why.

Am I expecting too much?
Don't get me wrong, I have loved taking the time to look after myself, but it hasn't fixed the feeling of loneliness or the impending countdown to my 30th birthday, or the feeling that I haven't achieved enough in my career.
I know there is no "quick fix" when it comes to mental health journeys and mine is no different to most. I do, however, think that my expectation of my "happiness" and life satisfaction is often way beyond the realm of reasonable expectation. I have to accept that the pressure I put on myself to feel happy and bubbly all the time, is unattainable.
Sometimes, a face mask and cup of peppermint tea is just not going to solve all of my problems.

I know what's good for me, so why won't I do it?
I know how good meditation can be for mental health. I know I shouldn't be on my phone into the early hours. I know I should wake up early and go for runs. But I don't! And I couldn't give you one good reason why. I suppose I find it difficult to self discipline. Why would I wake up at 7am when I could lie-in until 10am? Why would I read a book when I could scroll through Instagram until 1am? This has been a struggle for me over the past few years. The battle between knowing what's best for me and what I actually do.
It's a form of self-sabotage.
How can I combat this behaviour?
I read a great article by Deep Patel this evening about this. I want to leave a quote here, and for anyone who may recognise this behaviour in themselves, know that you are not alone.
"Lack of belief in ourselves — the feeling that we are unworthy, or destined to fail — often goes hand in hand with self-sabotage, and this link can be hard to break.

Whether it’s thinking that we’re bound to be bad at something and not trying our best, believing that no one could truly love us so pushing our partners away, or accepting bad treatment simply because a small part of ourselves thinks that we deserve it; low self-esteem can color our whole lives. And in a vicious cycle, the reality which is the result of these actions can confirm our own worst fears about ourselves.
It can also create a strange sense of satisfaction, one that those with low self-esteem cling on to. It might be the twisted vindication of “There! I knew they never really loved me!” when a partner finally leaves, or the sense of inevitability that comes with not getting recognition at work — even though we never have the confidence to assert ourselves."

From reading this article and reflecting on my own behaviour patterns, I can see that I need to work on finding my own positive inner-voice, make small changes to my habits and set some achievable goals. I don't want to fall off the wagon on a "bad day", so I need to also accept that I am allowed to not be 100% all of the time.

I think that is a good starting point! I would love to know if anyone else relates to this? What are you doing at the moment to combat your self-sabotaging?

Eb x

tags:featured,Mental Health